Thursday, October 23, 2014

25 Things I've Been Just... Wishing For







1.  I just wish I woke up a little earlier with insomnia, because 3:30 am doesn’t give me nearly enough time before the day starts to sit on a chair and feel tired.

2.  I just wish my cat’s canned food smelled more like ass at 3:30 am.

3.  I just wish that the customer service lady at Pottery Barn had sounded a little more sure of herself right before she didn’t place my order because she spelled my name CLUNB.

4.  I just wish Apple would roll out their iphones a little faster, so that the new generation literally went on sale before I finished buying the already outdated one.

5.  I just wish all women had to wear burkas, because that seems fair on so many levels.

6.  I just wish every restaurant in New York was called Hale and Hearty, so the whole city seemed old fashioned and redundant.

7.  I just wish dentists and surgeons were both called doctors, because that would be totally awesome.  For dentists.

8.  I just wish my kids parroted each other's words, all day long, because that game is never annoying to be around.

9.  I just wish there were more Monday night sports programs I didn’t care about, because that old school Charlie’s Angels episode -- where the arsonist who is blowing up warehouses by igniting a complicated chemistry formula with a pay phone turns out to be the ditzy blonde magician’s assistant -- is time I definitely don’t want back.  

10.  I just wish people in this town had more political bumper stickers on their cars, because nothing seems more important than telling the random stranger driving behind you how you are voting in the next, or last, election.

11.  I just wish the leaves on all 20 of our oak trees were numbered, so when my neighbor complains that our lawn care guys are "blowing our leaves over her fence line," we could actually count them.

12.  I just wish more people texted while driving, so drunk driving seemed less idiotic.

13.  I just wish there were more pharmaceutical ads for baby boomers with sexual dysfunction that featured sexy 55 year old women, so teenage boys had more reasons not to want to watch TV with their moms. 

14.  I just wish more young songwriters would write romantic songs about dying young, so that someday, they will all appreciate that only a young person, who hasn't actually died young, would write a romantic song about dying young.

15.  I just wish I had more digital photos being stored in the fucking cloud that I’ll never look at again.

16.  I just wish everyone on the internet was still using the word meme all the time, like they had always known what it meant.

17.  I just wish scientists would stumble across a technique or experiment that proved -- once and for all -- that sugary soda was unhealthy.

18.  I just wish I could read more in-depth articles about the Polyamorous love movement, because it’s not enough that some old bearded guy told me about it in person, while standing over me in a public park.

19.  I just wish road construction on highways could be done right in the middle of the day instead of at night, when nobody drives.

20.  I just wish someone wrote a song about healthy body images for women, then some critics accused her of “skinny shaming,” because that social disorder is literally almost as serious as anorexia.

21.  I just wish the woman who wrote that article saying I wasn’t a feminist because I used the word slut in a humor piece, would take the phone call from 1982, which wants its outdated women’s studies lecture back.

22.  I just wish more people would tell me – when I say I’m afraid of flying – that it’s more likely I will die in a car crash, because I’ve never heard that and also, now I’m afraid of driving too.

23.  I just wish my chin was pointy, so the wart growing on the end of my nose wouldn't feel like it was carrying the "mean old witch face" burden all by itself.

24.  I just wish that when my physician pointed at me and asked me if “I always looked like this” and then offered mood medication, she could have also pointed out that I’ve put on weight, just to keep the bedside manner consistent.

25.  I just wish everyone would keep using the phrase, I just wish, because it never gets old.