Thursday, September 22, 2016

This Election is a Shit Show, Everybody Panic!




Trump on Fallon, all mussed!


I keep hearing the television persons talkin bout this CRAAAAZY ELECTION, and sometimes shake their heads in #4REALZ disbelief, as if they just watched their uncle’s girlfriend with the red beehive hairdo and exposed midriff sit down at the Thanksgiving table and show granny the serpent tattoo she just got.  In her cleavage. 

No, I get it.  It’s been especially impressiveinabadway to see how much #whitemanger has been dredged up this election, for example. Who knew this particular group had it SO much worse than the rest of us?!  Between the MANyellings of #richoldwhitemanTrump and #socialistricholdwhitemanBernie, the political tension has been thicker than back in 2012, when DavidAxelBigRod threatened to shave his mustache on live TV if Obama lost a swing state.   Sidebar: Shall we take a moment to imagine women wagering the fate of their armpit hair on electoral college outcomes? No?  Right!  Moving on. 

Mostly because of Donnie but not entirely, mundane things in this election have turned into a mean and kinda dumb playground skirmishes.  Height.  Hand size.  Bathroom breaks.  Bacteria, on lungs.  The long-established superdelegate system that nobody complained about until a woman won it.  The latest firestorm was LITERALLY about a bowl of skittles, after that picture was tweeted out by l’il Donnie J. because he sees human beings in terms of terrible candy metaphors.  The Mars company distanced themselves, well done.    Skittles were like, but we immigrated here from England!   The Brexist people were like, oh yeah and STAY OUT!  Then it was just another day in The Life and there we were, again, debating the future of our planet on Twitter.  Go back to sleep, citizenry, no shitstorms to worry about here. 

But hold up.  Yassssss, I stole that segue from Beyonce´ cuz she has ALL the phrases.  Hold up with all the surprise about Crazylection2016.   WHY are we surprised that this election is a big serpentine shitstorm, tattooed in cleavage?   I’m not surprised AT ALL.   True, I am FeministAF.  I have a PhD in U.S history.  I have about a million fewer hotels than Trump, at least 2 fewer houses than Bernie, and a couple fewer brain cells than Gary Johnson because pot smoking.  Otherwise, though, I'm not a precognition-gifted witch, and I’m basically #richandwhite.  I won’t be at the top of PrezTrump’s internment camp traincar list when the shit goes down.  Even if I refuse to remove my Hillary yard sign, and my Hillary/Beyonce2016 bumper sticker, I don't need to be especially vigilant about the Trumpocalypse.   

It just seems to me like most of the dynamics in this election COULD have been foreseen by people who foresee stuff like this, and SHOULD have been because then we'd start dealing with it in fierce and furious and maybe bipartisan ways, rather than screaming at each other and acting all surprised.

WHAT?   A big chunk of this country seems to prefer wallowing in the comfort of personal opinion and privilege than considering the role of facts in BIG decisions?   WHAT?  A shit ton of sexist cockwaffles use hashtags like #CrookedHillary and #Shillary while promoting the candidacy of a guy who refuses to follow longstanding rules of presidential politics, whether that’s releasing taxes, releasing health records, or telling the truth to a room full of people who actually have the resources to quickly fact check his answers and discover he is lying?   WHAT?  Even when Trump is called out for BEING a liar, his supporters actually give zero fucks?  I don’t like to call any of my fellow citizens dumb.  That’s an issue of personal integrity for me.  But Trump supporters? That’s some fact-challenged fucking shit right there. And I'm not really surprised they exist.

In fact, NO part of this year is more cray than We The Fact People should have expected.   Hellzlots of our countryfolk eat KFC while sitting on the couch in front of FoxHarassmentNews.  Cable news and many news outlets in general have fact-parched this arid populace beyond recognition in order to follow horse races and "panels of experts."  OMFG ENOUGH PANELS.  There are people in your/my neighborhood who silently support Trump (without a yard sign because half of the term PC is the word “correct” and smart people just kinda know it’s not correct to be racist.  Not openly, anyway.)  Those people silently supported Scott Walker in Wisconsin too!   This election, to me, is just the logical outcome of 26 mass shootings per day, an 8-person Supreme Court, constant attacks on women's bodies both literal and figurative, a radical congressional ROADBLOCK called the Tea Party, a national furor over gay wedding cakes, and countless other political shitstorms that have become part of our national character.

Instead of adulting issues like sexism and racism and poverty and the overall #fuckupedness of humanity because The Life is hard, we long ago descended into some borderline personality disorder screamfest, where everyone vents their ongoing rage that NOBODY can find awesome solutions to meet everyone’s needs perfectly and in exactly the same way.    


HELL NAW, this election is exactly as crazy as our country is.  IF people are surprised because Trump, we aren't doing enough to take our national problems seriously and turn them around.  Not just on Twitter, but in The Real Life.  We aren’t looking close enough.  Or trying hard enough.  Or loving deep enough.   And believe me, the next time I hear someone blame ALL the problems on #rigged, ima fuck me up a bitch.